The Secret Lives of Men

An interview with author Christopher Blazina, Ph.D.

By Colleen Curry (November 14, 2008)

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Men are from Mars and women are from Venus? Oh, please. That is so ‘90s. According to Christopher Blazina, Ph.D, all those blank stares and clenched teeth are the product of some bad child-rearing on a society-wide scale. The good news? Men and women are more alike than different, and the key to healthy relationships with those aliens might just be human communication. Go figure.

Dr. Blazina took a few minutes to talk with love eloise about his new book, The Secret Lives of Men: What Men Want You to Know About Love, Sex, and Relationships. It’s an in-depth look at male psychology in a world where men are taught to lock away emotions. The book falls somewhere in-between academia and self-help, offering insight for men, the women in their lives, and anyone interested in inter-gender communication. So of course we had more than a few questions.

le: How did this book come about?

CB: From a couple of different perspectives, actually. As a psychologist, I’ve heard so many different stories, from both men and women, of how difficult male communication can be. As a professor, I train students in counseling, and have seen and heard how they can find this subject so murky. And then there were stories and feelings from my own life as well, growing up a man in this society. So I was able to integrate all three into this book.

le: Your title is intriguing. What is so secretive about men’s thoughts on love, sex and relationships?

CB: When I was writing this book and telling people about it, I got a lot of interesting replies. One of my favorites was, “Oh, so you’re writing a book on male psychology? Is it a pop-up book?” And I thought it really spoke to what I was doing; that people expect male psychology to be a pop-up book of beer, dirt floors, and sex is a pretty widespread notion. So male psychology is a secret in that sense, in that is hasn’t been revealed yet.

And then there’s also this notion in the book of a place—I call it a secret shoebox—where men are taught from an early age to lock away their innermost thoughts, the good, the bad and the ugly. Men want to share these things but have serious misgivings, such as being misunderstood or having their vulnerability used against them. So they keep all these things secretly locked away.

le: This book suggests that men are socialized to be secretive, which makes them difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with. You talk about the “10 commandments” of male behavior that society teaches men to uphold, and yet can’t be healthy for any human being. Can you explain this?

CB: You know this commandment thing gets me in a lot of trouble. I was doing an interview last week, and some guy wished illness on me because he thought I was replacing the (biblical) 10 commandements with what guys should be doing instead. That’s not it, I promise!

These are commandments that men feel compelled to follow because of society, like funneling their feelings into sex or aggression and fearing the feminine. It’s stuff that’s really evocative, and that’s why it gets the response it does.

But the idea is that men’s lives are written in stone, and there’s all these contradictions in them that lead to a lot of emotional stunting. Men simply can’t keep them all at the same time; it’d be like walking a tight rope. Impossible.

So, that said, the idea is for men to rethink them altogether. The idea of the book is to teach men there’s not a one-size-fits-all masculinity. Each man should be able to develop into a unique, healthy and authentic man that can have healthy relationships.

le: The book addresses individual men and the women in their lives, and teaches them how to open up. It addresses socialization on an individual level; but is there anything we should be doing as a society?

CB: A part of it is the idea that there are multiple masculinities, and that’s an idea society needs to adopt at cultural level. We need to free things up for men. Embedded in the idea of that is this rugged individualism; it takes a certain amount of gumption to map out who you are as a person, and that’s regardless of gender.

le: How does this “secret life” affect women in relationships with these types of guys?

CB: Well, this type of thing really could be a dealbreaker for a relationships. Women tend to think, “is he just not into me?” or “why won’t he open up and share more of himself with me?” It can be so confusing for women; they don’t know how to reach him. Men keep the lid on their inner life so tight, that women often don’t know how to get them to access that. But there are ways they can.

le: Right, in the book you term this the Guardian role, which women can play to help the men in their lives. Can you explain this?

CB: Well it’s a new and different approach, rather than the blueprint for manhood that has been used for a hundred or more years. That blueprint presents real potential problems. Men are taught to leave parts of themselves behind at an early age.

Some of it is because we are obsessed with this idea of having a male role model in boys’ lives, so then women become off-limits. Women can flirt or corrupt a boy’s sense of masculinity, so they are pushed to the side.

With the Guardian idea, and it is a gender-neutral one, we acknowledge simply that boys or men need someone in their corner, invested in developing their authenticity. This doesn’t mean molding a boy into his male role model’s image. For a mom, a Guardian means far more responsibility in ensuring their development. For a man, it can be a girlfriend or a wife that simply needs to be in the spirit of an ally. You’re not adopting a new son, you’re just always in his corner, and that has significant psychological meaning for men.