SBV, a seriously contagious virus

Ladies (and the Gentlemen who read this):

I have to take this week’s column and offer a public service announcement about a very serious disease that is affecting so many of us. SBV is a serious virus that often goes undetected. It can affect women of all ages and many do not know they have it or they often ignore the symptoms and warning signs. I don’t want our readers to become victims of this serious affliction so I am going to tell you everything you need to know about the Serious Boyfriend Virus (SBV).

Like most viruses, SBV is highly contagious and it spreads more rapidly in colder seasons. So many women are suffering from SBV that it is hard to estimate how many contract the virus yearly. Experts estimate that the number is in the billions. Single women can relax. SBV can only be contracted if you have a boyfriend and have been dating for over two weeks. After the two-week threshold of dating, however, all women are vulnerable to SBV.

Symptoms are often confused with those of other illnesses, making it so hard to detect SBV. Victims might experience one or all of the symptoms. The most common symptom is fatigue. Other symptoms include: lack of interest in going out, isolation, inability to function without boyfriend by side at all times, loss of social skills, weight gain, neglect to physical appearance, one-track mindedness (they can only talk about future wedding plans), inability to tolerate alcohol, trading in the LBD for something reminiscent of a 400lb person Muumuu/Circus tent, having an affinity for expanding sweatpants and Ugg boots, flaking out on plans with good friends, making motherly comments about friends’ going-out attire, desire for frequent “movie nights,” getting excited over trips to Home Depot with boyfriend, condescending remarks to single friends that they are a “mess,” early bedtimes because of extreme fatigue, absolute abhorrence for spontaneity, and an unhealthy obsession with online shopping at Tiffany.com and adiamondisforever.com.

Patients with SBV will often say the following to their single friends:

“Oh, I can’t go out tonight. I am SO tired.”

“We’re exhausted. I think it’s a movie night and an early bedtime for the two of us.”

 “I’m beyond beat right now.”

“Okay, fine. I’ll meet you girls out. Can we meet at 8pm, though so that I can be in bed by midnight?”

“My God! You just took a shot?! No, I do not want one, thank you. I am keeping it classy, you lush.”

“Alright, it’s getting late and we should head out. It’s almost ten and I have an early trip to Home Depot with Tim tomorrow morning to look at kitchen cabinet knobs.”

“How can you wear something like that out? Those heels are ridiculously high and that dress is on the short side.”

“So Jack and I… Jack and I… Jack and I… cushion cut…emerald cut…platinum…Tiff Tiff…spring weddings…hate the in-laws…Jack and I… Jack and I…”

The problem with SBV is that its symptoms had usually been associated with only married couples – particularly only older married couples. But recently, we are inexplicably seeing more and more couples – who have been dating for barely a few minutes – take on the personalities of geriatrics. Pretty soon those with SBV will be on an intense vitamin regimen and increasing their fiber intake. Instead of juicy talks about sex, we’ll be getting updates on prune juice and bowel movements from these uber-boring couples.

Friends of those with SBV are often quoted as saying, “She used to be so fun and interesting! But now she is always tired. If she is social at all, she’ll only go out if it’s with her boyfriend.”

Currently, there are no vaccines available for SBV. Treatment options are limited and vary according to the severity of the case. Sometimes a good shock treatment is effective. If you can get the SBV patient away from the boyfriend for a night, shock treatment might remedy the case and is conducted in phases throughout the night.

Phase 1: administer as many alcoholic beverages as fast as possible. Phase 2: Enter a crowded bar with loud music. Phase 3: If SBV patient is reluctant to hit the dance floor/ karaoke stage/ pole-dancing platform (it means you did not give her enough to drink), then get another drink and drag her out so she can shake her money-maker until the wee hours of the morning. Phase 4: Give her water and Advil before bed to lessen any residual pain she may feel the next morning from the treatment.

If the shock treatment is effective, you should experience no future problems in convincing the former SBV patient to join her friends every once in awhile to go out. In severe cases of SBV, the shock treatment might not work and instead it unleashes feelings of remorse only spiraling the patient into further isolation in Boring Couple-ville. If this is the case, then the only cure for SBV is the demise of the relationship (which rarely happens and is an area in which you cannot intervene). It is a point of no return. Boring couples love living in un-Pleasantville and they’re probably never leaving. Sorry. Another one bites the dust.

SBV is a very serious infection that is ruining the lives of many. Like so many things, the best protection against SBV is prevention. You’ve been warned.

love eloise

note: not everyone in a serious relationship has sbv, but we all know or have known someone like this at some point, and even then, we love them anyway.

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